An Interview with Sarah Palin: “Hokey Pokey Solar Panels are Un-Maverick, Un-American”

Sarah Palin is a mysterious figure in American politics. Her windy delivery and atypical approach have won the hearts of many in the conservative media community. It certainly cannot be denied that the former governor, former vice presidential candidate, and dare I say, published author has her own distinct way with words.

Mrs. Palin’s words caught up with the solar power movement in a recent interview with journalist Joseph D. Plombier. The following is a verbatim transcript of that session from the hit show, Mavericks.

Plombier: Hello and welcome to another episode of Mavericks with your host, Joe D. Plombier. Tonight, we sit down with the Rogue Warrior of Rogue Warriors, the Sultana of Sultry, the Hockeyest of Moms, the Alaskan Albatross, the Palin of Palins, former running mate to John McCain and author of a new book entitled, Going Rogue. Please welcome Sarah Palin to the show.

(Scattered applause; a strange, chubby blonde man in the back weeps heavily).

Plombier: Hello, Mrs. Palin. Solar power has become a buzzword in industrial and political circles. It is seen by many as a surefire way to better our economy, our standard of living, our environment and increase homeland security, among others. Even staunch Republicans have come out in favor of renewable energy. What are your thoughts on solar power?

Palin: Now, when you look at solar power, which I’ve done, I’ve, um, looked at it long and hard, I’ve looked the leaping moose in the face here, ya know, and I can tell you with, um, the utmostly confidence that what we’re looking at here is a less safe country if we install these hokey-pokey solar panels all over our roofs.

Plombier: Now, what makes you say that?

Palin: Well now, for one thing, I’ve read a lot of magazines and watched a lot of shows, any and all of them that somebody put in front of me. For one thing, ya know these solar panels are a danger to our country. I am from Alaska. With the special ability to see Russia from the roof of my house and I can tell you these solar panels are a slippery slope. A maverick like me can’t get behind it.

I care for the American people, ’cause I am one and the people shouldn’t be led down a bridge to nowhere without a paddle.

Plombier: How could clean, renewable energy that cannot be outsourced be seen as a threat to the American people?

Palin: That’s easy. For one, the Russians could use these panels here in our very own country, Alaska, that is, to reflect state secrets back to Putin and his cronies.

Plombier: Putin?

Palin: Oh jeez, yeah, Putin. I can tell, ya know…being in close proximity to that barren tundra we call Russia…I know a lot about Russians. And not just them. Terrorists can use solar panels to build bombs without the utilities or the government ever knowing. What kind of background checks are we running on these solar people? It’s a bridge to socialism, I tell ya. And where socialism exists, so does terrorism, and solar panels are a ticket, a free ticket, to be socialist about it.

In my long experience defending America…um…by giving Putin my famous Alaskan stare-down, I’ve read any and all magazines put in front of me. I have a wide variety of sources and I’ve learned a heckuvalot about home solar. And I’m here to tell all those moose-brained liberals and environmental loonies trying to handcuff the American people. I say, thanks but no thanks! We have a saying where I come from, “Don’t Go up on the Roof When It’s Snowing, It’s a Slippery Slope.” I like my energy like I like my coffee: black and freely traded.

You may look at me with my dazzling spectacles and Hockey Mom allure and think that this lady doesn’t know the first thing about solar power. Well, you’d be absolutely unright in thinking something like that. The dis-benefits of solar power are many more than I can count on my thumbs.

Plombier: And what are those, eh, “dis-benefits?”

Palin: For starters, supposedly “free” solar energy would let terrorist groups set up shop right here in our fine country. Going off-grid isn’t just for hippies and hangovers, don’t ya know. I call it “Homeland Unsecurity” because I don’t know about you, but there’s an awful lot of things that someone could do with that kind of power. In Alaska, we’ve got a heckuvalot of oil to be used…around…and we don’t need the sun to do it because, ya know, its oil and it’s underground and…we can…ya know…dig it out.

Plombier: So you see energy independence as a threat?

Palin: Independence? We need to have an all-around attack at this energy thing. And things…there are things that solar power can offer, but there are also things that oil and coal and other burning…offers. And some things are better than other things. And you’ve gotta take the things that solar offers and the things that, ya know, oil offers and weigh those things against the other things and see which things come out on top. My thing, ya know, is not solar power.

Plombier: I think you’ve got something there.

Palin: Oh jeez, yeah I got something. These gold spectacles and this “hockey mom” allure aren’t fer nothin’ I tell ya. And there’s something else, too. Oil and coal, these are rogue resources now, and being a rogue, ya know, maverick, I only bet on the true rogues. Solar power they call “eco-friendly,” but beggin’ a grizzly bear’s pardon, how in the name of Paul Bunyan is that going to send the terrorists back to Iraq quakin’ with their tails between their legs?

Plombier: I’m sorry, terrorists?

Palin: Oh jeez, yeah. They could come as flying monkeys or come underwater dressed like harbor seals with long little tubes they’d use to breath and ray guns attached to their belts that say, “Thank You Liberal Agenda” on them and we’d never know, never know what was coming until they waddled up onto our great shores. Tell me now, how will solar panels defend us then? That’s right, they couldn’t. But I tell ya, Joey, I tell ya, if there happened to “accidentally” be a few thousand gallons of oil in that water, well then those terrorist seals would never find their way. I mean, ya know, they’d be breathing surface fires rather than air through their evil little tubes.

Plombier: You, my scary lady, are impervious to logic.

Palin: Call it what you will, if you will, but I call it Rogue. I am “Going Rogue” for the American people. To stand up for them. To use all my vast powers of knowledge and stuff to hold back the wave of unrelenting liberalism, and ya know, let the world know that we know what they’re up to. We know Osama Bin Laden is living off the grid somewhere using solar power. We know there are spies in my great state using solar power panels to reflect state secrets to Russians across the Bering River.

It’s gettin’ so scary, the glaciers are runnin’ away. They say its “Global Warming,” but I know it’s really liberals that are sending the glaciers in Alaska running for the hills….gives the terror seals a wider landing area.

Plombier: Ah, but -

Palin: Let me tell ya something. Openin’ a can of rogue booty all over solar power must be done. Everybody and their pet caribou are jumpin’ on the bandwagon here. And I, I just, can’t get on. There’s a lot of evil out there and a lot of it goes into these shiny little plates people are puttin’ up on their roofs. It’s a whole bunch of money thrown down a slippery slope that rolls onto a bridge that leads us…you guessed it…to New Jersey. And I’ll have none of it.

Plombier: And how will you fight the solar power movement? As a staunch proponent of quitting so that you don’t have to quit, or something to that effect, how will you be the rogue warrior you claim to be?

Palin: Oh jeez, you really touched on something there. I am a maverick. And I will do whatever I have to do to stay a maverick. I didn’t quit being governor of Alaska, I quit being held up by offices and people watching me that prevented me from really serving the great state of Alaska. It was only in quitting that I could possibly not quit the quitting that I hadn’t quit when I ran alongside John McCain, and he never quit.

I’ll fight solar power the only way I know how, ya know…it’s a bad thing. Every day, Blood of the Earth Americans are with me here…

Plombier: Actually, thousands of middle-class Americans install home solar panels every year.

Palin: Well…jeez Joe…I’ve just, ya know, gotta keep fightin’ the good fight. Ya know, there’s stuff out there that needs to be changed and I can take that stuff on for the people. I’ll stuff myself full of stuff like a polar bear on the Thanksgiving table. That stuff, like solar power, just makes too much nonsense to even be called properly stuff or stuffing or…

Plombier: Okay. I’m going to cut your horrible diatribe off there because my brain hurts. Thank you very much – and I say that with the utmost insincerity – to the eccentric and potentially human Sarah Palin. Her new and obviously ghostwritten book is on store shelves now, collecting dust as we speak. Thank you to all our listeners and allow me to add that if you find that the bats in your belfry have suddenly vacated the premises, you now know where they went. This is Joseph D. Plombier signing off. Cheers, and for all our sakes, go solar.

The above interview is totally fictitious. It never happened. Although, any similarity to real people or events was entirely intentional. And it is a valid question whether any truly real people were mentioned in this mock interview. In any event, please do not take this as fact, unless, of course, you’re Sarah Palin, in which case you are more than welcome to use the above arguments at a later date.

Photo Credits: Dean Dowd, StL Today, EVOSTC, & Hell.CA

Posted on December 2nd in Solar Politics by Dan.